2004

In spite of the newspaper trumpeting job growth and new records for monthly tourists, the Las Vegas economy has some dark spots. Rumor has it more than a few wives got pawn tickets from the husbands for the their Christmas "wish lists."

Last month's defection by the "Havana Nights" cast came about as big a surprise as discovering the odds aren't all that great on the casinos' Wheel of Fortune. Who wouldn't want to live here when they've been hanging their hat in a city of fear and everybody looking over your shoulder. But it did earn a bit of warning to the casino community by the Gaming Association. "Do not do business with Donald Trump. If he gets a toehold in southern Nevada, he'll want to take up permanent citizenship here, too!"

A local leader whom will remain nameless recently turned 50. After opening all the "humorous" cards and gag gifts, there came the mandatory time for a heartfelt speech. He confessed that, as he was turning fifty, he noticed he was a little more patient, definitely more compassionate and could put himself in other people's shoes. He knew life was precious and feelings are fragile--something that hadn't really hit home until now. Then, with a gesture at the pile of cards and gag gifts, he added, and I am thankful I have such youthful friends.

There's no sense of humor at the Flamingo Hilton after their ongoing norovirus problems have sickened guests. An intern in marketing was let go after he suggested a new motto for an ad campaign. "The Flamingo--it's catchy!"

The boys at the Lakes at Las Vegas (in Henderson, of course!) have come up with the idea to build some fancy hotels on a man-made island. Since this is Henderson, the city planners were a bit confused as to whether it would be a feature or really an island. It didn't help that some wag grease penned in the name "Atlantis" on the project. A few of the hands behind the counter were thinking the island would regularly sink, like the one ship at TI. That would be a way to enforce check-out times at the hotel, wouldn't it!

The new lane markers on Valle Verde by Greenspun Junior High are really great--except for one thing. Parents parking their SUV's curbside to wait for children or, after school hours, to coach softball or soccer teams, still have their vehicles half-way across the line, more than a foot away from the curb, hogging up the bike lane. Well, the lane markers are great except for another thing, too. Bike riders are crossing the line of their bike lane and edging into the traffic lanes. Is our driving really that bad that we need those wide a lanes?

At least one of the reasons for the spike in gasoline usage must be attributed to a guy I saw moving to a new house/apartment. He had his pickup truck overflowing, and two buddies behind him, also in pickups, had their beds overflowing--with inflatable pool toys.

The Vice-President had pulled out of Green Valley High School 15 minutes earlier. Traffic was starting to flow. The protesters were still at the Walgreen's across the street. A father was driving his son to band practice. "Dad, what's all that junk blowing across the road?" The father responded, "Looks like confetti. I've got blue on my side--you see any red and white?" "Yup." "Son," the father stated, as he was waiting for the left turn signal, "this is your first lesson in politics. Politics is a bunch of guys coming into town, making all sorts of promises and then leaving a lot of trash behind. Never mistake it for government."

At the spa the nail gal was complaining about her husband to her client. "He always wants to take our new car out into the desert. I won't let him. That's my car for driving around town. It costs a lot of money and I don't want him to scratch it up."

The political season is really heating up and the message is getting to the common man.

How do I know? The Sunday morning regular at the convenience video poker machine where I get my before church "Java Jolt" was actually sitting there arguing politics with the clerk instead of putting money into the video poker machine!

Two WWII vets were pumping gas together at the corner station. The price of a gallon was so high, the price dials on the old fashioned pump were practically squealing, they were going around so fast.

A budget planner for Metro was complaining to the bartender in an after-work happy hour that he would be happy once the election was over--Metro's budget was being busted.

"By overtime security in case there is a terrorist threat that disrupts the elections?"

"No," replied the haggard bean counter, "for all the security and traffic police we have to provide when the presidential and vice-presidential candidates come into town.

Maybe it's our need for instant news. Maybe it's the politicizing of the news media. But on the morning of the first presidential debates, which were to take place that evening, did the Review-Journal have to declare Bush the winner and, later that afternoon, the Sun trumpet Kerry the winner of the debate?

The computers at the Bulk Mail counter froze up. The clerk asked the person whose bulk mailing she was taking in, "Do you want us to simply mail you your receipt?" "I'll wait," he said, "I don't trust the mail."

You know hard times have hit Binnion's downtown. They've taken so many slot machines off the main floor that they are scheduling line dances right in back of the doors to bring in more people.

You guessed it--just when school started the weather heated up again. How hot was it? The Dean at one of our high schools caught a co-ed throwing carrots, small potatoes and a slab of meat into a metal pot in her locker, a locker with full morning and early afternoon exposure to the sun. She explained it was for her first home-ec class (that she had forgotten about until she was driving to school that morning). Slow cooked pot roast.

You know the Freemont Street Experience is seriously trying to bring in a younger crowd when you see the following:

3. A whole evening of Viva Vegas Vision which doesn't have a single Wayne Newton song on it.

4. Firemen sitting on their parked engines letting cute babes write their names on their biceps.

This had to be the strangest accident report the rookie Henderson policeman would ever file. An alert early morning commuter along Wigwam had called it in. When the officer got to the site of the accident all that was left was a young man, a little stunned, bloody nose and a right eye starting to blacken. A cardboard sign next to him read, "Baby, come back." The officer ascertained he was trying to get back together with his girlfriend, who was on the high school cross country team, and he had decided to woo her on her morning run with the rest of the team. She saw the sign, saw him, popped him in the kisser and kept her course. You guessed it, the policeman put it down as "hit and run."

Las Vegans roundly applauded Greenspan raising interest rates earlier this month. We knew inflation was on the rise--the slots only take paper currency nowadays!

You know it's been a long time since you've been in a casino when, upon leaving the restaurant and feel a mitt full of change in your pocket you give it to the little woman and tell her to lose it in the machine. Then you spend the next 15 minutes looking for a machine in the joint that still takes coins!

It's a different life back in the Midwest. A Las Vegan on vacation overheard a drink order at a country bar--"Give me one of them imported beers--a Rolling Rock!" (Rolling Rock is bottled by Latrobe Brewing Co, of Latrobe Pennsylvania).

Top Ten Reasons for getting a third-degree sunburn while at Noah's Ark Water Park all day in July.

9. You never experienced excruciating pain over your entire arms, shoulders, back and chest before.

8. You wanted to prove having a beer belly is beneficial when it shaded your legs (the only thing not burned)

6. You were going to watch the Brewers play your favorite team, the Reds, the next day and didn't want to go to the bother of painting your body.

2. You had a bad experience when you were young with sun screen so you never trust it any more.

Names for the Henderson Spaghetti Bowl are starting to dribble in. Here are the top ten at present:

10. Rainbow Curve (the settling ponds behind Timet will be visible from the upper flyway ramp).

8. Why Didn't They Plan This Sooner and Buy the Land the Fiesta Stands on before the Casino Was Built so We Could Have a Decent Interchange?

5. Park N' Bowl (NDOT officials vow current delays at Gibson eastward will be solved by the new construction, but evidently some are not convinced).

Henderson is getting its own "Spaghetti Bowl" at the interchange of the 215 and 515. But the media, especially radio and television stations which give traffic updates, are asking that another name be given to it, to distinguish it from the "Spaghetti Bowl" at 515 and 15. The Henderson City Council will be sponsoring a contest to pick the name for the interchange.

Dick Cheney was in town Monday as part of the Bush-Cheney reelection campaign. I don't know whether it was a slight to Henderson or not, but it was reported he gave his speech to 400 Republican supporters at an unknown location, the Henderson Convention Center.

The entire MGM Grand was booked for one event this weekend--Father's Day. It was the only place large enough to host all Wilt Chamberlain's offspring.

Almost everyone has forgotten about the Bellagio's power failure except two groups. Sociologists at UNLV are doing a study on why 800 couples would want to spend another night in the crippled resort after the power failed. The other group is a reality TV production company. Whenever the next casino closes, they want to lease it for a month to see how long their cast members can elude the constables who are to evict them. Loosely based on "Survivor," it will be called, "Squatters."

Everyone knows Las Vegas, Henderson and North Las Vegas high school graduation ceremonies occur at the Thomas and Mack Center. With all the new high schools, they have had trouble scheduling them all in. Starting this year, they are having nightly "graveyard shift" graduations, which will run from midnight to 2 am. On the bright side, they will also be handing out free coupons for breakfast at the MGM Grand.

The drought is getting so bad, the Nevada Water Commission has asked airlines find suppliers east of the Rockies for their bottled water which will be served on all Las Vegas bound flights.

There has been a lot of buzz about the Montreal Expos relocating to Las Vegas. Here are the top ten reasons why the Montreal Expos will not be called the Las Vegas Expos and relocate to southern Nevada (continued).

3. Pete Rose said he'd like to see the Expos in Las Vegas so he wouldn't have to drive so far to place his bets.

2. The Clark County Fire Department recently issued a statute limiting the amount of pine tar a player is allowed to put on his bat between July 1 and August 31. Studies have shown they spontaneously combust in our summer heat.

4. After years of shivering in freezing October post-season play, owners of the Red Sox and Yankees fear the players union will negotiate for all World Series games to be played in sunny, dry Las Vegas.

10. The province of Quebec passed a law mandating they keep "Montreal" in their name.

8. The Las Vegas City Council has passed a law mandating they add "Goodman" to their name.

7. In his final action as the head of the Las Vegas Convention Bureau, Manny Cortez filed suit against MLB precluding the team be named "Las Vegas Expos." He felt it would cause confusion with the convention and exposition business.

You know when spring has sprung in southern Nevada. Nope--it's not the desert flowers in bloom, thanks to the Palm Sunday rains, nor the allergies reaching their peak as pollen counts reach astronomical heights. The casinos are starting to staff the poolside bars!

On a walk I saw a neighbor waiting at the bus stop. "What happened to your car?"

"Totaled it up? Don't you mean totaled it?--Where did the accident happen? How did you escape without injuries?"

"No, it wasn't like that," he replied, "I totaled it up. My gauge was on empty and when I pulled up to the gas pump, I realized a tank of gas was more than the car was worth, so I just left it there and walked home. I'm taking the bus from now on."

'Smoking' and 'Non-Smoking' sections of restaurants have become such a part of the American psyche that it has influenced other areas of life. A couple from Cincinnati were looking to move into town. The realtor asked them, "Do you prefer to live in the 'driving' or 'non-driving' section of town?"

The realtor explained, "Well, if you really like congestion and being stuck in traffic, I have a lot of listings in Summerlin."

It is sooo good to be a resident of Henderson where our mayor does not shame us. While our poor neighbors to the north have a mayor under ethics investigation for promoting a certain beverage and other business ventures, and our blushing neighbors to the south have a mayor embroiled in an unnecessary municipal golf course hemorrhaging money, our honorable city head city can garner a half-million dollar contract with the water district for investigating a buy-out of Nevada Power with nary an eyebrow raised!

Reality programming has hit the video slot machines. Every time a player hits a jackpot on "Time of Your Life" slots, he is entertained by a two minute video showing a big winner being sued by his wife for back child support payments, being audited by the IRS and being buried alive under a pile of letters from second cousins asking him to help them pay their rent. In an interesting cross-market agreement, the videos were underwritten by a local attorney specializing in personal bankruptcies.

Ah, Little League season has started with dreams of greatness. It is, perhaps, understandable that folks give their kids the finest of gear and near-professional quality fields to be like their baseball diamond heroes, but one wonders how far the trend will go. A boy's Little League buddy was sleeping over and was puzzled by a stack of Dixie cups in the kids' bathroom with his friend's name on them. "What are they for?" he asked his friend.

While the water district has made some impressive gains on water conservation (down about 10% from last year), there is a nagging problem of people not being able to gauge how much they are over-watering. So the water district is preparing a new set of flyers:

Got mushrooms? Reduce your daily watering by one--simple cut out one watering time.

Got moss? Reduce your daily watering by half--cut out every other watering time.

Got ducks? Contact the BLM. You may qualify for a land swap for some valuable vacant land in exchange for your now environmentally sensitive wetlands backyard.

How much has Indian gaming impacted the Nevada casino scene? One of the bidders for the bankrupt Castaways (the old Showboat) was the Morongo Indian Tribe of southern California. They evidently wanted to be able to tap the local market.

The Las Vegas Convention Authority seems to have a winner with its slogan, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." It didn't come without some hard work, hours of creativity and, to be quite honest, one firing. A new advertising idea man from an Eastern college was let go when he first submitted, "What's bet in Vegas stays in Vegas."

Charlie Spoonhauer's recent resignation as the basketball coach for the UNLV Running Rebels surprised no one in the know. He evidently suffered stress bordering on a heart attack and stepped down. We know how he feels. Watching the Rebels play basketball this season has been killing us, too.

A Midwestern retiree was getting exasperated that he had to buy a new home before it was even built. The sales agent told him, "That's nothing. Our subcontractors are so short of workers and so far behind schedule, we've got people who remodel before they take possession.

With all the construction on the 95 freeway in from Summerlin traffic has become bumper-to-bumper stop and go from 5 am to 10 pm. NDOT recently took down all the 65 mph speed limits signs from the Spaghetti Bowl to the Rainbow Curve. Explained their spokesman, "We were getting a lot of complaints from people who viewed the speed limits signs as a form of taunting."

Now that Benny Binnion's AND the Castaways has closed, I guess it pops the bubble to the myth that in Nevada, the way the odds on the games go, only the casinos make money.

Still another day at the DMV. In Nevada, after a teen has gotten the coveted driving permit, they have to spend 50 hours behind the wheel with mom, dad, or any other adult doing court ordered community service to give them experience. A clerk told me, "It's amazing how many of them come back for their driver's test to get their permanent license the day after we've issued the permit."

Yet another day at the DMV. And old-timer had to go in to get his eyes checked for his license renewal. Time had not been kind to him. He knew he couldn't pass the test, but you got to do what you gotta do to get to your weekly poker game on Freemont Street! He decided to bluff his way through with his best poker skills.

He had been watching the gal who administered the test. She had a second job inputting data on the computer, so she barely seemed to be paying attention to the masses walking up to the machine. It was his turn now. "PESTVQL!" he confidently rattled off. "You fail," the gal said, not even looking up from her computer. "C'mon, young lady. Give an old man a break. That P could have been a B, O and Q look a lot alike. You aren't going to fail me for just two letters would you?" "Sure will." came the curt reply. He went on for a few minutes wavering between trying to butter her up or arouse pity. Exasperated, she looked up at him and said, "Sir, we've got the machine programmed to project NUMBERS on the viewing screen!"

Just another day at the DMV. You have to get your eyes checked to get your driver's license renewed. "The machine only goes to 20/40," explained the gal running it. "What happens if you fail--do you have to come back with an eye doctor's prescription to prove you got more powerful glasses?" "No," said the girl as she kept pecking at her computer keyboard. "We just send you out for a behind the wheel test to see if you can see well enough." (Do the guys who do the behind the wheel tests get combat pay?)

Poor Britney Spears. When she "wanted to do something crazy," she went out and got married. If she would have taken her time and looked at the full menu of services at the wedding chapel she could have asked for the "temporary" marriage vows (kind of like a temporary tattoo) which promise to "love, honor and cherish 'till tomorrow doth us part."

Without Las Vegas, they wouldn't have a "safe city" meeting place. Think about it--your hard working, single, affable, quiet and incredibly shy (where's this guy gonna ever find a wife?) Arab guy--Mustaffa--says he needs a week off to meet some friends in, uh, TOLEDO! Instantly you are suspicious. Nobody wants to go to Toledo. The questions start and pretty soon Ashcroft is out front with the paddy wagon. But he asks you for a week to hang with old friends in Vegas and no questions asked! Way to go, buddy! Always knew you had it in you! Put a bet on the Packers for me! The terrorists need Las Vegas more than William Bennett did.