Here's a recap of former "Only In Nevada" items from 2005!
(from December 25)
The Ten Worst Places to Hang Mistletoe (conclusion)
3. Right over the slot where you put your money in the video poker machines.
2. Over the booking officer at the county jail.
1. Low over the toilet when you are fighting with your husband.
(from December 18)
The Ten Worst Places to Hang Mistletoe (continued)
6. In a Little League dugout.
5. Over a bottle of arsenic.
4. Over the County Commissioners' dais in the council chambers.
(from December 11)
The Ten Worst Places to Hang Mistletoe
10. Over the meat slicer at the deli.
9. Over the diver's entry hatch at Shark Reef.
8. At the Health Clinic where they are giving flu shots.
7. Over the tables at a garlicky Italian restaurant.
(from December 4)
Is it true a Las Vegas city employee was slapped with a sexual harassment suit for hanging mistletoe over his work desk?
(from November 27)
Oscar Goodman's tough stance on cutting the thumbs off taggers leaves us wondering what he will would cut off from developers so cozy with city officials that they cause greater damage to the public treasury.
(from November 20)
The Henderson Spaghetti Bowl has been open for more than a month now and it is still not carrying the traffic loads engineers expected. Seems like everybody got so used to driving surface streets that they haven't gotten around to changing their driving habits. Responding to resident and business complaints along Warm Springs and Horizon Ridge, Henderson will do special construction on those streets that will drag on so long and make traffic so slow that people will be forced back on to the 215 and 515.
(from November 13)
Southern Nevada Water Authorities were asked why water consumption declined so much in October. "After all, it was a warm month," the reporter added. After a little hemming and hawing, the answer came out that water consumption ALWAYS drops more than it should in October, because people can water in the daytime and actually fix their systems which have been broken much of the summer. It's pretty hard to ignore a geyser coming from a broken sprinkler head when it's ruining your game of catch with your boy.
(from November 6)
Alarmed by research showing declining manners of casino customers are keeping an affluent segment of their customer base away, one of the local casinos is tweaking the old "gotta be present to win" drawing give-away rules. "Must be pleasant to win."
(from October 30)
Ah, the change of seasons in Las Vegas. No more halter tops, sidewalk dining is possible, leaves are changing colors because of cold evenings, and the cold water is.
(from October 23)
The mayor of New Orleans is on record that he wants Las Vegas style casinos in New Orleans. The gurus of gaming are decidedly cool. Confided one, "They'll have to get a Las Vegas style government first--actually any kind of government."
(from October 16)
Why is it such a big deal that Elmer Sherwin has won Megabucks twice in his lifetime? The casinos win every time somebody plays.
from October 9)
The policeman picking up after the accident looked at the eye shadow and blush smeared on the cracked windshield. The driver hadn't been wearing a seatbelt. Slowing into a car that was waiting for the light to turn green made her kiss the glass hard, but didn't seriously injure her.
"Incredible!" the policeman said under his breath.
His partner replied, "Yeah, it's nuts that she would be putting on makeup while driving Warm Springs in the morning rush hour."
"No," the other one said, "it's incredible that she wasn't talking on the cell phone. Look, it's still in her purse and it's turned off."
(from October 2)
It's high time one of Las Vegas' dirty little secrets comes out of the closet. It goes like this on a Friday night:
Husband: "Honey, we won't be able to go out to dinner tonight like we usually do.
Wife: "You didn't! Tell me you didn't stick the last fifty bucks you had in your wallet into that one arm bandit."
Husband: "I'm sorry, Honey, but I had to do it. The car was almost on empty and I had to fill it up."
Exorbitant gas prices depress discretionary (read entertainment) consumer spending.
(from September 25)
It probably bodes well for the future of the sportsbooks in town that Harry Reid recently got the towns leading lights together for a little consulting job. He floated a dozen names of possible Democratic candidates for the Presidency and had them give him the odds. It turned out pretty good, according to one aid. But don't watch for it to be posted any time soon, remarked a Nevada Gaming regulator. We only take bets on sports where they don't kill the loser.
(from September 18)
Was it a misprint or something closer to the truth that a football handicap rag in late August noted that TO was out for the next week's game with a groan injury?
(from September 11)
Wynn was first. Now it looks like Trump will be on a high-rise, to be followed in quick order by Ivana. The gurus of attitude are marking properties in Las Vegas more rapidly than a dog with a bladder infection. Was it because the older generation didn't have such ego problems? No, says a long-time wise guy from behind the Stardust sportsbook. "Would anyone want to stay at the Ingelsteadt or the Molasky?"
(from September 4)
It probably shouldn't have taken so long after last session's Supreme Court ruling, but a group of businessmen has just filed a eminent domain on the Las Vegas City Hall property, intending to convert the tax-exempt (at best) property into a tax generating dynamo of a casino hotel. Hizzoner is furious. The Review-Journal is all for it. Rumor has it Hizzoner is cobbling together a group to do the same thing to the Review-Journal's property, with the added environmental plug that, with cashless machines, the operation would be saving millions of trees that normally would go to waste carrying the R-J's customary editorial messages.
(from August 28)
Bass fishermen love the heat. If they manage to catch a big striped bass, pulling him in from the deep, cool water of Lake Mead, they just toy with him for about 30 minutes in the hot, surface water and the fish comes out ready to eat! Better than a Green Bay Wisconsin Fish Boil!
(from August 21)
The recent departure of Carlos Garcia, in for the long haul (of five years) to making the CCSD an institution of excellence came as a shock to only the most obtuse. So should the reaction to Rogers' contention the new Prince of CCSD be paid $600,000. Outsource! I'm sure some highly dedicated educator from a third world country with excellent people and linguistic skills as well as a real PhD would take the job for about $200,000 and maybe even bring in with him some subalterns to lower administrative costs.
(from August 14)
Enough of the heat jokes already! Obviously Nevada is a much better place to live than, say, Minnesota. Like Minnesota's snowy winters, hot Nevada summers build character. But, they also provide your body with vitamin D!
(from August 7)
How hot has it been? We conclude with the top clues summer has come with a vengeance.
3. The way all the women are dressed, nobody is going to the gentlemen clubs this month.
2. One older restaurant with an air conditioning system that just can't quite keep up in the heat has changed their "smoking" and "non-smoking" signs to "Hell" and "Purgatory".
1. Only your real friends from back east will come to visit you this month.
(from July 31)
How hot has it been? We continue with some of the top ten clues summer has come with a vengeance.
7. Asphalt surfacing is resembling the La Brea tar pits. Just the other day a garbage truck disappeared at the Galleria Mall's parking lot.
6. A local church had a county fair with a greased pig contest. They forgot about the pig later in the afternoon only to return to find him transformed into--fried pork rinds!
5. Oscar Goodman is having his martinis on the rocks.
4. All you have to do to BBQ something is to put it on the grill in the sun--don't turn on the flame. It's hot enough under that black lid.
(from July 24)
After the legislature had adjourned last month, our gutsy governor vetoed the bill to make kick-back payments to cabbies from , um, places where municipal court judges used to make their living, illegal! He was moved by a cabbie strike that lasted all of five minutes somewhere in Las Vegas. "It's just how we do business and how they show their appreciation! We gotta' make a buck, too!" the general, unassailable cabbie logic went. Rumor has it, if convicted in the Las Vegas corruption trials, both Galardi and Lance Malone will use it in the appeal, citing their membership in the cabbie union.
(from July 17)
How hot has it been? Here's some of the top ten clues summer has come with a vengeance.
10. Silk plants are wilting.
9. Three homes in a neighborhood had their water heaters go out--were standing on the curb for the garbage men. The Silver State guy asked one of them how come there weren't any cardboard boxes from the new water heaters. "We're waiting until September to replace them--don't need it now! The water comes out of all the taps at 110°!"
8. "To throw cold water" on something has become a good phrase.
(from July 10)
Everybody knows Binions has come upon bad times, but you have to give their public relations man credit. When asked about taking out many of the machines that formerly graced the entrance, he said management "wanted to supersize the aisles."
(from July 3)
How bad is inflation? An old timer looked at the paper ticket he got out of the slot machine after he had called it quits. The nickel slots were charging him six cents a play!
(from June 26)
You may have heard Hizzoner Oscar Goodman was sickened that the Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets which were handed out free to celebrate Las Vegas' centennial, now were having a price tag put on to them as people were selling (scalping) them on e-bay. "Pigs!" he retorted.
They probably got the idea from casinos that give lavish comps and then put a price tag on them for their tax filing.
(from June 19)
You may have heard Hizzoner Oscar Goodman was sickened that the Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets which were handed out free to celebrate Las Vegas' centennial, now were having a price tag put on to them as people were selling (scalping) them on e-bay. "Pigs!" he retorted.
They probably got the idea from casinos that give lavish comps and then put a price tag on them for their tax filing.
(from June 12)
You guessed it. Only in Nevada can the former stripper become Municipal Court judge. Her peers on the bench, however, may not have been too pleased. During the orientation session, the judge in charge stated a new policy for appropriate judicial attire. "No shirt, no shoes, no session."
(from June 5)
Gridlock. 30 hours a year the average Nevadan spends stuck in traffic. You'd think the powers that be would do something about it. 30 hours. This is servious! That's 30 hours somebody can't be feeding a video poker machine!
(from May 29)
It has come to light that one of the candidates running for Municipal Court Judge in Henderson (we won't say which), was a topless dancer at Cheetah's while the candidate was earning money to get through school. The candidate's campaign manager should be in the spin-master hall of fame. The candidate's new slogan? "My judgment is much better now!"
(from May 22)
It has been such a wet season this year, with so many weeds poking through the desert landscaping that the Southern Nevada Water Authority has actually gone back to the people they paid to take out sod and put in desert landscaping and asked for their money back. Said a spokesman for Mulroy, "If there's weeds over more than 50% of the yard, that's not desert landscaping and the soil is losing precious groundwater to the atmosphere."
(from May 8)
We don't quit know if this is good news or not. The Yucca Mountain people who were fudging figures and keeping separate books are no longer working on the Yucca Mountain project. In fact, they're not even working for the federal government. Unfortunately, with the end of the legislative session looming and bills not getting through fast enough, the state has hired them on as temporaries to crunch the budget figures and give scenarios for the property tax relief bill's impact on the budget.
(from May 1)
People are praying for the heat. Just let it hit 100 degrees for a few days. Are southern Nevadans insane? Sun worshippers? Shareholders of Nevada Power or partners in an air conditioning business? Nope. Just allergy sufferers. It takes a few 100 degree days to dry those nasty pollen producing flowers and plants out.
(from April 24)
The property tax reform talks grind on in Carson City. One of the newer proposals is the "Nail the Newcomers" bill which would let the property taxes rise only on those who buy a house after a certain date, thus protecting the old-timers. It's sort of just the reverse of what the white men did to the Indians.
(from April 17)
Audits have revealed what some people (mostly those about to get fired by the DOE) have been saying for years. The computer models which prove Yucca Mountain are safe for nuclear storage were flawed and rigged to give the right results. Auditors first caught scent of something rotten when, after hours, they were running the programs to assess the feasibility of Las Vegas getting a MLB team and the computer said Vegas had a shot!
(from April 10)
It's got to be the ultimate "Man bites dog" story. Investors are going to tear down a casino downtown to build high rise residential condos!
(from April 3)
With the FCC's new stance on fines (a great way to pare down the federal deficit) and obscenity (we know it after you've seen it), you knew it was only a matter of time. Some of the casinos have filed with the FCC to sue ABC for the Final Four. To them, it was an obscenity that Duke or Washington did not make it to the Final Four.
(from March 27)
The folks in Washington are studying privatization of Social Security? Come to Vegas! For years we've been having people do personalized retirement investing. Which conservative fund do you want? Red or Black on the roulette wheel? The average retiree invests $25,000 over a five year period and gets $5K back!
(from March 20)
Did we hear right? Washington has discovered nuclear energy is non-polluting? That's great! Now science has concluded that, they can take the stuff slated for Yucca Mountain and just dump it by the beautiful streams and creeks back East--it's non-polluting, you know!
(from March 13)
The folks in Washington are eyeing BLM land sales in Nevada. Seems like they are earning more money than their accountants planned on, so Nevada can't keep the money for improving the environment and park infrastructure. They should have known. People always seem to drop more money in Nevada than they intended to.
(from March 6)
Henderson has always had an image problem dating back to the days when the sophisticates in the valley called our fair city "Hooterville." To be quite honest, however, we haven't helped a lot in dumping that Andy Griffith image of the 1960s. For example, our outgoing police chief's last name is Mayberry, or now it is "Chief of Police Mayberry Ret." Can we get a new chief of police whose last name is more 21st century, like Pitt, or Justice or Sipowicz?
(from February 27)
In his annual tirade against the NFL's anti-betting stance, Hizzoner said, "Anybody who would watch an NFL football game without a bet on it is a fool wasting his time." The Guinness people are studying his statement for entry into their record book for the biggest slam against the NFL.
(from February 20)
The Feds refusal to fund the monorail extension northwards to Main Street and Freemont Street was perhaps not the most surprising. What really galled the Bombadier folks was the reason given--there was a high likelihood of a litter problem from parts falling off the monorail!
(from February 13)
How uncharacteristic of our local government officials to be going back to the same MLB group that snubbed them to begin with. Everyone knows you only flirt in Vegas.
(from February 6)
As usual, when American Idol came to town, the judges missed the most promising song and dance people in town--the Las Vegas City Council!
(from January 30)
If it were up to the people of Clark County, Mayor Goodman, we'd like a professional football team. There'd only be eight or so home games to ignore and we wouldn't have to watch it on TV because of NFL blackout rules.
(from January 23)
Professional sports in Las Vegas? Don't we already have gentlemen clubs?
(from January 16)
You know Henderson has reached the big time when building and water connection fees are no longer are listed on the city website. Like at those ritzy stores at the Bellagio, if you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
(from January 9)
Repeat after me--every time it rains it rains great big pennies from heaven only if you turn off your sprinkler system!
(from January 2)
At first news that Barry Manilow had been commissioned to write the theme song for the city of Las Vegas' centennial caught some by surprise. But then, it's only fitting that someone who was around at the start should write the song.