Here's a recap of former "Only In Nevada" items from 2006!

from December 31

The Las Vegas Marathon is becoming huge.  I mean, HUGE!!  Where else can you run and be serenaded by a choir of Elivs impersonators, look around at the glistening towers of casinos, participate in a group marriage?  We hear one contestant temporarily left the course to dash into the Flamingo Hilton, slam a few bucks in a video poker machine and get a royal flush!  Thankfully he could just shove the ticket in his shorts and continue the race (he finished).  In the old days, all those coins would have weighed him down!

from December 24

This week Santa put Dad in a tough spot.  Mom was sick, so Dad had taken Junior Christmas shopping--disaster!  Everything sold, unless you wanted a pearl-handled chain saw (he didn't).  As the mall was closing and Dad was dragging his over-tired son out of the mall, who should be getting into a taxi after an equally long day than the mall Saint Nick!

"Daddy?"

Dad was thinking quickly, knowing what was coming.

"Why doesn't Santa just get in his sleigh and have his reindeer fly him home?"

"The people who live around here won their petition to the FAA to keep Santa from flying over their neighborhoods except for Christmas Eve."

"Figures," the boy snorted.

from December 17

The voters have spoken--no smoking in places where food is served unless there is a separate room!  Naturally, what happens to a publicly supported referendum in Nevada which does nothing to further interests of the man, a judge has decided it may be unconstitutional because it is so hard to understand.  It seems to be the same law that is working quite smoothly in California.  Which is scary.  For once, Nevadans are claiming they are slower on the uptake than Californians.

from December 10

The tough, new anti-illegal immigrant law in Pahrump evidently has not been having much of an impact.  It seems no Hispanics work or live in Pahrump.  When asked about it, a UNLV sociologist who has been studying Pahrump for years replied, "It's because the typical illegal has come to America to improve their standard of living.

from December 3

It was a typical Thanksgiving in Las Vegas.  A day devoted to worship first, then the football games and then, the next day, shopping for the gals and left-over turkeys for the men--the last game of the UNLV football season.

from November 26

Small bar/restaurant owners were decidedly uneasy faced with the prospect complying with the new law coming out of Proposition 5, the victorious ballot measure that banned smoking anywhere where food is served.  After a recent news conference by outgoing Sheriff Young, they have decided they probably won't have to fire cooks and waitresses, do extensive building remodeling or even install  bigger ventilation systems--he said Metro would pursue law enforcement of smoking violations with the same vigilance they are pursuing certain complaints against Governor-elect Gibbons.

from November 19

Faced with the increase of lawsuits generated by the most recent election, Governor Guinn has announced the temporary hiring of seven judges and their respective clerks and the installation of seven temporary trailers outside the County courthouse to handle them.

from November 12

Faced with the loss of television political commercial ads, all Las Vegas television channels announced they will drop programming from midnight to 6 am in a cost-cutting measure.

from November 5

A Nevada housewife asked her husband to run over to the neighbor's to see if they were going to the church picnic.  "Honey, why can't you just give her a call?"

The wife looked at him like he was still betting on the Raiders to beat anyone.  "Dear, the elections are so hot this year and there are so many telemarketer calls regarding it, nobody is expecting anyone to answer the phone until next Wednesday!"

from October 29

At the recent Green Valley Homecoming, Former President Jimmy Carter addressed the crowd about the importance of voting.  At the last minute he scrapped the one bit of local color in his speech, "Voting is as important as doubling down on a pair of aces in Black Jack!

from October 22

Jim Gibbons, running for Governor, was stunned recently by dropped charges of sexual advances.  His campaign manager tried to allay his fears about the unfounded charges.  "Jim, everybody knows you're too old for those kind of shenanigans!"

from October 15

Did we read that right?  Is Jim Rhodes' new development at Dry Gulch Arizona, just on the other side of the Lake Mead National Recreational Area going to be called Pravada?  I tell you, it's almost impossible not to mispronounce it "Pravda."  Maybe that's because most Nevadans who have followed Jim's career easily slip and call him Commissar Rhodes.

from October 8

Henderson is moving upscale in its conservation efforts.  The new water line down Valle Verde and other parts of the city?  It's not because more politicians are moving in and they have to expand the sewer system.  It's for gray water recycling.  Treated waste water is piped back to be used for outdoor irrigation at golf courses and city parks.  But why the purple pipe?  "'Cause it's costing us a king's ransom to put the system in," growled a city engineer.

from October 1

The recent drop in gas prices has a lot of people talking.

"How long do you think the prices will stay low?" said one newcomer at the pump.

"Until the day after election," said an old-timer.

from September 23

Incredibly, a recent survey of "Angriest Cities" has Las Vegas ringing in at 52, in the bottom half of all metro areas surveyed!  "Comped drinks," explained the survey's spokesman.

from September 16

The early presidential Democratic primary in Nevada has some pundits almost guaranteeing overtime expenditures busting the budget for Metro.  Not so, counters outgoing Sheriff Young.  We don't send out bodyguards for Brittany Spears or Pamela Anderson. We won't send out bodyguards for them, either, because none of these contenders will have a higher profile.

from September 9

Hard times have hit the dealers at the Wynn.  They're going to have to share their tips with management!--the pit bosses.  What went unreported, however, is that Steve Wynn's job description has been updated to cut him in on the take!

"Hey," he told a buddy, "I make this a welcoming place to our clients.  I deserve some of their generosity, too!"

We feel the love, Steve, believe me, we feel the love.

from September 2

Budget cutbacks have caused some real hardship in Las Vegas.  They've cut back the hours at the county clerk's office.  No more graveyard shifts (midnight to 8 am) issuing marriage licenses.  The divorce attorneys are already cutting back on their office staffs.

from August 27

How sad we were that Mickey the Chimp was not permitted to enter the World Championship of Poker late last month.  Was it due to lack of funds?  No, a website had put up the ten grand.  Seems the chimpanzee just put the poker chips in his mouth or scattered them on the floor and couldn't read his hand or his trainer's commands well enough to even "push."  And, due to all the fuss and cameras, he soiled his pants.  The good news is that Mickey is running a write-in campaign for lieutenant governor.  According to the board of elections, he is qualified.

from August 20

Everybody knows Hizzoner is pulling our legs when he says graffiti "artistes" should be put in stocks and publicly humiliated.  Maybe it's because he doesn't want any volunteer art to look better than his publicly sponsored (and expensive!) graffiti on the concrete walls and overpass supports of the Spaghetti Bowl.

from August 13

The yet to be opened, new campus of St. Rose (St. MartÍn) has already gotten so many calls the top brass are thinking of a publicity campaign to change the pronunciation of the joint (it's mar-teen).  More than a few highly spirited late-night phone calls have been taken by the answering.  They are looking for sobriety programs and thought St. Martini's would be just the place to climb on the wagon.

from August 6

She knew her husband needed to go to the eye doctor, but now she REALLY knew.  They were driving to the airport bypass and, after passing the billboard touting a casino's summer pool party with a rough and scantily clad female on it, he snorted, "Finally, a casino that is telling the truth!"  She looked at the sign and instantly discovered his mistake.  "Dear, it says Ditch Fridays.  That's a D, not a B."

from July 30

Hizzoner made quite an initial stir when he went on with a rant and rave about people who are always giving others handouts in public places, depriving the citizenship of its rights.  "These people need help and should get real help.  But for others to simply give them handouts, they're just making them dependent upon it, so from now on, we're going to lock up those giving out freebies and drive the rest from the streets."

More than a few thought he was talking about lobbyists and elected officials instead of the homeless and charitable citizens who set up temporary soup kitchens to help out.

from July 23

Unlike most cinematic news, the press briefing of Kevin Spacey shooting a new film in Las Vegas recounting how six students from MIT brought down the house has been pretty much ignored by the Gambling Gang of Twelve.  "It's not a factual story," recounted one spokesperson from a smaller combine.  "Everyone dreams of times when the little guys take the house down, but it's pretty much one of those urban legends.  Six guys from MIT did not, through undetected card counting, win millions from a casino in blackjack."  "Yeah," quipped the security guard, "Look it up and see--it's all made up.  There is no Minnesota Institute of Technology!"

from July 16

A local was complaining to his wife about some unexpected pain following taking the antibiotics the doctor prescribed for him.  His wife alertly informed him it was a side-effect of the medication.  "Go see the doctor," she instructed.  "Go see the guy that got me sick in the first place?  No way!  I'd never do that!"  "But honey, you always do that when you go back to the sports book and bet on the Padres."

from July 9)

At this week's 51's Fireworks Extravaganza game, right after the "Star Spangled Banner" was sung, a little boy turned to his father and said, "I love that song about Nevada."

His dad was curious.  "Why do you think it's only about Nevada?  Can't it be about California or New York, too?"

"No, daddy, it's about Nevada--the land of the free!"

His dad settled back into his seat, "So it is, my boy.  So it is."

(from July 2)

The smoke from the rocket's red glare ain't nothing, evidently, compared to the heat this possible no smoking referendum is generating.  Not only would it outlaw smoking in restaurants, it seems an unintended consequence would be to outlaw smoking in bars and CASINOS!  Said one supporter, "I think banning smoking would be great.  There are some places I just can't take the kids because of the second-hand smoke."

Um, with all due respects, we think there might be some other things besides smoke that you might not want the children to be exposed to.

(from June 25)

Early this month a few of the graduating dental students were convicted of forging a part-time professor's signature on their patient paperwork.  They were given 1500 hours of community service and awarded their degree in dentistry.  Rogers, head of Nevada higher education, fumed.  "Someone who cheats in little things will cheat on big things.  I do not like to see men of this caliber going into dentistry."  When asked by the reporter what Rogers thought sufficient punishment would be, he replied, "Make them run until they win an election for public office."

(from June 18)

That two local developers have found a way to prove to the officials of Mohave County, Arizona that they can guarantee 100 years of water supply from underground sources just to the south of the Lake Mead National Recreation Area is as unbelievable as gentlemen's clubs being members in good standing in the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce.

(from June 11)

Gas prices at the pump are so high it's making the slot machines look like a bargain.

(from June 4)

As if the price of gas weren't bad enough, now some stations have older pumps whose digital displays can't keep up--as a result, they pump very slow.  How slow?  While filling his SUV at one of these places the station attendant asked him to pause in his refueling so they could raise the price!

(from May 21)

Ah, spring, the season of hope and announcements that a new, domed stadium is going to be built that will lure a professional team to Las Vegas.  We'll be waiting for the Cubs to make the Series.

(from May 14)

MGM Grand is welshing on its agreement to pay the guy who blew up the Boardwalk for them last week.  News reports stated the implosion left the 38 year old property a pile of dust and rubble.  That's just the point.  In the complaint, the MGM Grand stated that the property was a pile of dust and rubble before the implosion and has promised to get 50% of the Boardwalk's former clientele to testify to it!

(from May 7)

Bob Stupak--yes, THAT Bob Stupak, has announced that he is running for Lieutenant Governor.  It is so unthinkable that he be the highest law enforcement officer in the state that both the Republican and Democratic parties are cranking out the "scare mail" to drum up donations to thwart his bid.

(from April 30)

How could it be?  The City of Henderson Water Department's bill told the guy he had a late payment--he had to pay immediately or service would be cut off!  The man was enraged, not because he had always paid his bills on time before (he did), not because the bill was high (it was), but because he had been on "Direct Pay" for over a year!  The city automatically took money out of his checking account to pay the bill when it was due!  A sheepish water department employee blamed computer error--"It sent out the bills after the payment was due."  Let's hope these aren't the same computers that are running the water treatment plant.

(from April 23)

 "You can really tell the it's a different world back east," a guy confided to his friend after a week of traveling to Pittsburg and Chicago.

"How's that?" his friend bit.

"Well, in Las Vegas, shirts and skins mean something totally different, an indicted county commissioner thinks it will help his corruption case if he says he just took sexual favors and not money, and where else can you be speeding on the freeway and the cops pass you?"

(from April 16)

Why is it that it seems Henderson always sends the street sweeper out to neighborhoods the day before the trash is collected?  One of the guys who maintains the sweepers confided--"We used to send them out the day after garbage pickup, but all the paper, cans and garbage that Republic Services left on the streets clogged up the sweeper."  Trash disposal--an issue before the eyes of Southern Nevadans every day!

(from April 9)

They are planning on building high-rise condos at the race track, right under the path of take off for the flyboys at Nellis.  Understandably they are running into problems with Clark County.  Explained one staffer, "With all the noise out there, the only zoning change we would consider with a clear conscience would be to build a school for the deaf."

(from April 2)

No wonder Las Vegans had trouble remembering what weekend in March NASCAR was in town.  The weather was cold and rainy every weekend!  Were track officials worried about rain?  "Nope," confided one, "what we were really afraid of was snow!  In all of NASCAR's history no one has been stupid enough to schedule a race in a place where the weather was that bad."

(from March 26)

Las Vegas is horrified, HORRIFIED, to find out that the Great Gretsky's wife was placing bets with illegal bookies out East.  We could have taken her money legally!

(from March 19)

A local columnist was having an off-the record talk with Governor Guinn.  They both were decrying the sorry ethical state of elected offices in Nevada.  It got so bad the columnist simply intoned a litany of recent miscreants.  "Moncrief, Tiffany, Augustine, Kincaid, Herraro, McDonald, Malone."  "What does that say about politics in Nevada?" the governor asked.  "That we truly have broken the sexual divide and women have an equal shot of being corrupted in public office as they men?"  You've come a long way, baby!

(from March 12)

Hizzoner Oscar hit the NBA All Star game pretty hard.  Not only did he get everybody excited for next year's game in our fair city--he's made arrangements for express booking and posting bail with Metro so none of the players will miss Sunday's game because of Saturday night's mischief.

(from March 5)

The recent shootouts between Metro and the bad guys has caused a bit of a stir in the department.  All who are getting assault rifles must put in 40 hours at the shooting range.  Said Sheriff Young, "When you have an assault rifle, we assume you can hit the side of a barn, or apartment building.  We want you to hit the perpetrator.  402 rounds before we hit the guy is unacceptable."

(from February 26)

The recent dirt on Nevada politicians getting $800 ticket packages (and higher!) from fraud-ridden Ameriquest makes one wonder not only about politics as usual in our fair state, but business as usual.  How many of those high priced tickets are used for "business purposes" in something approaching kickbacks?  Wring that out of our system, together with the gifts to the politicians, and the tickets to most of these concerts would cost, well, about what they cost in Boston or Los Angeles--about half what they cost here.

(from February 19)

Understandably, Valentines Day, February 14, is the day the most marriages are performed in Las Vegas, that capital of love.  It does, however, come as a shock to learn that February 15 is the day the most writs of divorce are filed.  It seems hubby's forgetting the big day is the last straw for some gals.

(from February 12)

Who says that the recent candidate from New York to be the new superintendent of the Clark County School System wasn't the one who would bring change to the system?  He announced he wasn't up to the job, so he pulled his name from consideration.  When was the last time somebody in the running for a public position said they weren't up for the job and stepped down before they took a paycheck?

(from February 5)

And it goes without saying that the RTC probably doesn't really understand how mass transit works.  How else can you explain their pride in landing oft-rumored bankrupt GM to put their ads on the monorail?

(from January 29)

It's obvious opponents of the light rail proposal don't really understand how mass transit works, either.  They are arguing that neighborhoods will be disturbed by crowds at the stations and that nobody will take the light rail so it will run huge deficits.

(from January 22)

It's obvious people out West do not understand mass transportation.  When the Commissioners were questioning RTC officials about the plan, one commissioner interrupted a colleague's question, "What is the difference between light rail and regular rail?"--"Everybody knows it's half the revenues!"

(from January 15)

This Presidential wiretapping is getting out of hand.  Hizzoner Goodman is in a snit when a list of those who were victims of eavesdropping was leaked and he wasn't on it.

(from January 8)

How did we know former County Commissioner Dario Herrara was going to get the book thrown at him in the corruption case?  When a reporter at the RJ got the assignment to cover the case, his first words were, "He isn't in jail yet?"

(from January 1)

Yes, Las Vegas has done it again.  How could anyone forget last night when so much money was spent in so short a time?  Oh, and the fireworks were great, too.