Here's a recap of former "Only In Nevada" items from 2008!
from August 31
It is hot. How hot? People are going down to Lake Mead for free sauna treatments. They sit on the sand for the dry sauna effect and they sit in their boats for the steam sauna effect.
from August 24
School's in session. The annual plea by the police to watch your driving has gone out. "Because of all the kids on the streets walking to school?" a news intern asked the veteran TV reporter. "No," she replied, "because of all the moms and dads making crazy U-turns right after they have dropped their kids off at school."
from August 17
The state budget is in terrible shape. Some new ideas for raising revenue are in order. We continue on the list of the top ten viable ideas.
3. Collect room taxes from all the luxury condominiums being rented out short-term.
2. Nationalize the Clark County escort business and put a couple of former county commissioners in charge.
1. Have State Controller Krolicki put the tobacco money on red.
from August 10
The state budget is in terrible shape. Some new ideas for raising revenue are in order. We continue on the list of the top ten viable ideas.
6. Charge a 10% surtax on all funds raised by campaigns in the state, so the inevitable subsequent investigations won't come out of general revenues.
5. Sell annual naming rights for public buildings and events (University of Nevada-Bette Middler, College of Southern Nevada-CarrotTop, The Lunesta County Council, Healthcare University Medical Center, the Palms Mortuary Gastrointestinal Center).
4. Tax text messaging.
from August 3
The state budget is still in terrible shape. Some new ideas for raising revenue (without raising current taxes) are in order. Here's a list of the top ten viable ideas.
10. Rent out the governor mansion as a bed and breakfast--it's hardly being used now anyway.
9. Require politicians to use their frequent flier miles gained by state business on trips for state business.
8. Charge property tax on all cell towers on public or tax exempt land.
7. Attach a "critter cam" to the Guv and syndicate it as a reality TV show.
from July 27
Taking a cue from the Russian space program (billionaires in space--for a fee), Hizzoner has proposed selling the mayor's chair for a day. The ticket price? $10,000. When asked if the price was a little steep, the unflappable Mayor responded, "For 10K you get to rule the council out of order, get a great view of the city and besides having an escort of beautiful Las Vegas show girls, you get all the Bombay Sapphire you want. It's a steal. I paid ten times that much just to get elected to this seat."
from July 20
It has come to this. The boys who run Hoover Dam, the Department of Reclamation (a subdivision of BLM) is so strapped for money in the current fiscal budget that, in light of the opening of the Hoover Dam by-pass bridge and the amazing view it will offer of the dam, they have signed a four million dollar ten year exclusive contract with Dasani water. Painters are scheduled to grace the south face of the dam with their logo in April 2009.
from July 13
The search goes on for a new name for the 51s, to town's AAA minor league baseball team. Team owners are resisting Hizzoner's pressure to name them "The Mob." They are considering our good Senator's suggestion, "Nuggets." "Chips, Tokes and Vig," are definitely out, confided the team's publicists. Even the first lady of Nevada has suggested a name, "Gold Diggers."
from July 6
Ah! What a celebration this town puts on for the Fourth of July. Nature is so accommodating, you don't even have to light the fireworks. Just leave them outside, ready to launch, and within two hours they'll heat up enough to go off by themselves.
from June 29
Many are worried about Social Security taking care of their needs in the future. The smart cookies are worried about the current solvency of FICA. The latest shows on the Strip only feed the fire. Why else haven't Bette Middler and Cher retired? Granted, the merchandising tie-ins with hip replacements and herbal aids for regularity were tempting. "Besides," a Harrah's exec explained, "we had to go with someone our clientele could instantly recognize." That would explain the movable walkway into Caesar's.
from June 22
In sleepy Reno uncharacteristically nasty midnight earthquakes have been a nuisance and then some. In Mogul, close to the latest epicenter, Jerry and Judy Dye were literally bounced out of their bed. The headline in the local weekly paper? "Mogul Quaker Rolls the Dyes."
from June 15
When officials at the MGM Grand were asked whether they were disappointed Andre Agassi's Tiger Jam would move to the Wynn, they were remarkably objective. "What with Le Reve, Avenue Q and other shows Steve has booked, everybody in town was kind of curious what the theater would look like full, so this seemed to be the best shot of finding that out."
from June 8
We fear Metro investigative tactics may be slipping a bit. A traveler coming home from a business trip found two uniformed metro officers holding up a placard at the airport with a suspect's name.
from June 1
State budgets are so tight for foreign travel that Nevada state senators are taking travel junkets to Chinatown on Spring Mountain Road.
from May 25
How high is gas? Terrible Herbst is applying to the Gaming Commission for a feature on their gas pumps. Just by pushing a button, you have a chance to go double or nothing on your gas purchase.
from May 18
Last month's trial of Sheldon Adelson vs. a Chinese businessman who allegedly helped Sheldon get the lucrative casino permit for Macau, reveals some interesting insights into the horse trading that goes on behind corporate offices. Sheldon denied that he promised Chinese authorities he would muscle American politicians he has generously supported with donations to scuttle pending legislation opposing Beijing's 2008 Olympic bid. He did say, however, that he promised to do his best to get Americans to stop calling what they give you with the tab in a Chinese restaurant "Chinese fortune cookies."
from May 11
About one month after the announcement, The Guggenheim is closing at the Venetian. For the final month they offered free admission, but the exhibits were so, shall we say, unfamous, that nobody came. Groused one Guggenheim official, "You got more of a turnout in the Art District for First Friday." Well, I've been to the Guggenheim in town and I've attended First Fridays. My choice? First Fridays. They offered free music, as well as free wine and cheese.
from May 4
How bad is the state budget? Such severe cuts may have to be made even in the governor's budget that Mrs. Gibbons is being let go. The governor has already stopped living at the Governor's mansion to cut down on utilities.
from April 27
Investigators continue to pursue the dealings of Dr. Desai, the doctor in the midst of the Hepatitis C scare. Not only did he have his own insurance company, he was on the board of directors for the new bank, The Bank of George. Intimidated an investigator to one of the local newshounds, he may have even thought he owned the governor. "That's how ignorant the guy was," the investigator went on. "Everybody knows you can't own the governor--you can only rent him."
from April 20
How bad has the sub-prime meltdown gotten? In one nationally syndicated news show, an expert ventured that the Las Vegas bookies would have done a better job running the economy, because they try to balance the books, getting wagers on either side of the bet. The investors doing business with the mortgage bankers never bet on anything other than people paying off their mortgages.
from April 13
The economic slowdown has hit Las Vegas big-time. Even Caesar's has penny slots now.
from April 6
The grocery store near the new synagogue was giving away matzah. Seems they overestimated the Kosher Passover market. So mom brings home five boxes. Junior nibbles on one of them a bit.
"Mom," do we have any special foods for our holiday?"
"Oh, yes," she warbled. Christmas cookies, Easter candy and eggs."
"No, mom," her son said. "Just our holiday. Is there any special holiday for German Lutherans?"
"Well, there is Reformation which comes in October and they make a lot of Oktoberfest beer."
Junior continues to much away at the matzah. "I bet they wouldn't have to give this stuff away if it tasted like beer."
from March 30
A courageous Nevadan was putting his boat into Lake Mead for the first time this season. His beer drinking buddies were by the side of the boat, holding on to the rope. One of them was remarking about how so many hormones and chemicals were found in the lake. The other, always the curious type, said, "What in the world would make them even think of testing the water for stuff like that?" The boat owner, sticking his head out the window, replied, "It was probably when they noticed the carp were growing breasts."
from March 23
In the midst of foreclosures, dropping home sales and medical scandals, the one bright spot in town? The Runnin' Rebels. Won their first round and lost honestly to a number 1 seed which could well take it all. Not only do we forget the shenanigans going on around town when we look at Lon Kruger's boys hit the court, we also forget the names of all the coaches between him and Tark.
from March 16
In a surprise twist, the doctor in the midst of the current medical scandal, was recently discovered to also be the owner of an insurance company that issues medical liability insurance. His company had underinsured his multiple medical clinics. The coverage? A lousy $3 million (individual nurses and pharmacists routinely carry a personal $300,000 policy). When asked why his insurance company hadn't offered his medical clinics a higher limit policy, he replied, "The medical clinics were bad risks."
from March 9
A Nevadan got a call from his father back east. "I read in the paper you are going to run out of water by 2021--they say Lake Mead is going to be bone dry."
"That is a lie. We're over-achievers." retorted the Nevadan. "We can drain it by 2015!"
from March 2
So concerned were local Democratic party leaders about recalcitrant (Cub fans) caucus members having to be physically removed from last months' caucuses, they actually phoned each one of them to make sure they wouldn't turn to the other side come November. They were relieved by what they heard. "No hard feelings," said one Cub fan who had been ejected from the caucus for refusing to give up his support of a "not viable" candidate. "We're used to never having our guys make it to the playoffs."
from February 24
It's been over a month, but local Democratic party leaders are still wondering how a few of their caucuses got so out of hand that the police had to be called in. It seems that at the first "balloting" too few caucus members supported a candidate that was deemed "not viable." The plan was, after a little arm-twisting and jaw-boning, these people would migrate over to one of the other candidates who had more votes, so the second "balloting" would yield winners and a decent division of delegates. In at least seven caucus sites, however, the people backing a "not viable" candidate refused to give in and migrate to other candidates. They had to be forcibly removed by the police. In each and every case, the people removed turned out also to be Chicago Cub fans. One Metro lieutenant ventured an explanation for their behavior, "Cubs fans will never switch allegiances, no matter how "not viable" their baseball, or presidential candidate, appear to be.
from February 17
Valentine's Day is now over--the biggest day for weddings in town. Long lines formed to secure the marriage license so they could trot off to get hitched.
Interestingly enough, the month of February holds a marital record of another kind. February 15 is the day when there are the highest number of filings for divorce. Evidently a husband ignoring Valentine's Day is the last straw for many gals.
from February 10
It's now official. Those suffering a heart attack were more likely to be treated with an emergency defibrillator within the first five minutes of an attack in a casino than in a hospital. So, you ARE safer in a casino than a hospital! And with medical costs being what they are, your money probably is, too.
from February 3
The librarian gave a stern look to the man who was extending her a very beaten up library card. It was almost ripped in to and the edges looked like beavers had been gnawing on it.
"This is the fifth card I've issued you this month! What in the world are you doing with them?"
"Hey, getting a new card from you is less time-consuming than running around town trying to find ice scrapers to get the frost off the car windows in the morning when I go to work."
from January 27
The father-in-law visiting from Minnesota couldn't believe his ears when he heard the early morning weather man warn the audience about icy driving conditions on the surface streets.
"How can your roads be icy--it hasn't rained or snowed in the two weeks I've been here!"
"Irrigation overflow--it runs in the gutters and makes the intersections a little slippery with the cars going through it with wet tires."
from January 20
Harrah's has been having a hard time explaining how structural damage could have been done to several floors at the Rio during "minor renovations." An initial explanation was quickly nixed by the CEO--"We were just trying to make the building come down easier when it was time to implode it."
from January 13
Almost every establishment did gangbusters on New Year's Eve this year--except the clubs. Explained a bouncer. "What's the big deal about midnight? Hardly anybody ever comes to the joint before 2 am."
from January 6
Everybody is looking forward to the caucuses coming up. then the politicians will leave us alone until the general election.